In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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