A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
