In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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