I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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