i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
oh god was she eating orange peels again
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
