She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
