She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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