i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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