i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
cat food counts as protein by the way
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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