I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
