a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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