I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
