She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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