The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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