I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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