I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
