She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Reggie can tackle my bush.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
