If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
