1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
