and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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