If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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