Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
