I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
