Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
