You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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