when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She told me I should be a condom model.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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