I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
