What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
