Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
