I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
