so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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