My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
