Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
