dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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