there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
