so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
