i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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