i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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