dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
