There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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