Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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