I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
