My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
