I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
