We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
