I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
