I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
