he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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