its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
