Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you win again, gameday.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
